Garbage, garbage, garbage....can I say how much I hate fucking drywall? especially when the shit is wet....trying to lift it out of the truck and chuck it into the bin.....soggy-ass shit will crumble in your hands about 80% of the fucking time....gotta love that....1000lbs of the shit I dumped today...probably would have weighed less had it been dry.

To think I was so excited about the new bathroom faucet that came in yesterday..but seeing as to how fucked things were built in this house.. the risers that come up off the tub are odd sized...that means the man did not have the right connector thingies and washers...off to CT...no luck there...rona? uh uh.....what a load of shit. hoping the depot has it. fucking piece of shit bath tub. I also hung the door to the broom closet yesterday...sometimes I'm so handy it hurts....he better watch out or I won't need to keep him around....I think I'm about a day away from changing my own headlight and doing the oil and he'll be out of a job. I think the difference between us is that I don't mind that sort of thing and he sees it as a pain in the ass...but then he has a clue about what he's doing. He better watch it or I'll even change the oil in his car while I'm at it.

More exciting things...I actually made my first ever batch of candles less than half an hour ago...I'm quite sure I screwed up a few things, but that's the learning curve, right? Live and learn.

Yesterday we took a load of crap to the dump...how much fun is that? Ask baby, when p.m. chucked her sippy cup at full force to the head. Nice big sis. Baby better grow up soon enough to protect herself.
And the most exciting thing is that we get to go to the dump AGAIN!!! lucky us.

I actually got the upstairs hall painted--same colour as the kitchen...will do the second coat tomorrow. I also have the privilege of taking a load to the dump....gee, lucky me..at least I'm only unloading it..it will be good once that shit's outta the yard. Who would have thought that so much crap could come out of one room....good thing we didnt tear apart the whole house. I still have to finish taking the wallpaper off of the computer room...tomorrow, I guess.

So I am hoping that last night was my rock bottom, because I can't bear to treat the p.m. that way a second longer. I must be consciously aware of every, and all, things I do in front of my little sponges. I want, so desperately, to be a good mama.

Today was such a shit day..sick kids....sorta sick me...I am far to rough at times with my girlie....i hate how I yell at her, shouting so loud as to bring her precious little face to tears...so what if I'm tired, so what if I'm cranky, she is a baby and I dont have the right to treat her this way. I make myself sick with this shit. the circle just wont be broken, at least not today, but it better bloody well weaken, because I cant do to her what was done to me. and my mother was thegood one in comparison to her mother
I know its not all fun and good times. I am realistic that way, but I had better find a more appropriate way to deal with my own shit instead of taking it out on my sweet girl. This is why I never wanted kids..its too hard to be good all -any- of the time. I dont deserve my sweet girls...I am so afraid that I am going to ruin them...the trust they have in me the happiness in their eyes...and I yell at her...I am such a shit.
I do not want them to grow into something that even remotely resembles me..I am so afraid that they might...I am unbalanced, crazy and I pull my fucking hair out...what if it happens to them too?
I should just type out all my awfullness and keep it as far away from them as possible. Every action has a reaction and I am the adult whether I like it or not. I am shaping their tomorrows by how badly I fuck up today.

Snotty runny noses everywhere.....so disgusting...want to go out, but don't want to spread this shit....grrr..wouldnt be so bad if she'ld let me wipe it and if baby would let me pick the crunchies....yes, that's right, baby's sickish now too....bloody hell. And to top it off, she is as maniacal as ever, with nice red dried crusty face.
All I want to do is yell at p.m. and MAKE her listen....how futile is THAT? very much so....and my insanities are creeping ever outward into the hair pulling reality of my life...pull pull pull that hair out..what good that does, I do not know..but I do it anyway. I hate myself...I suck.

Fucking wallpaper....how I hate you.....I wish you would just go to hell, and get the hell off my wall...paper....fuck you. uggghhh the crap just doesnt want to come off.....I will be so damned happy once I get it all scraped off and these bloody walls painted...by then the addition will be renovated and I can get on with painting that...how fun.
p.m. is still sick today...gobby greeners leaking out her nose all days, wiping on my shirt, her shirt, the couch, everywhere but the hankie I gave her for that purpose...poor kid....no nap again today, so at least that means she's feeling better. baby's sounding a little rough too. my poor babies.

p.m. is sick....snotty runny nose...last night she had a fever...I am so lucky my girls hardly ever get sick....so lucky, it seems like everyone else I know with kids is not this lucky, kids sick helluva lot more than mine. *knocks on wood* At least the fever is not as high as last night.
Yesterday I started to peel more fucking wallpaper..what possessed us to buy a house that was 98% wallpapered I do not know...grrrrr...I hate wallpaper. I was going to paint upstairs yesterday morning...got up early to do it before kiddies woke...no such luck...p.m. was up right behind me...explaining why I peeled more paper instead....tried painting last night, but all she wanted was mama...so full tray o' paint got hastily rolled on...maybe today...good thing it was only primer.
Today I am going to maybe paint, or peel more paper...I was planning on taking it easy after this hellacious weekend of painting/staining/mudding/depapering....I am burnt, but this shit needs doing and it might as well be me...either that or I will read a book.

You're The Things They Carried!

by Tim O'Brien

Harsh and bitter, you tell it like it is. This usually comes in short,
dramatic spurts of spilling your guts in various ways. You carry a heavy load, and this
has weighed you down with all the horrors that humanity has to offer. Having seen and
done a great deal that you aren't proud of, you have no choice but to walk forward,
trudging slowly through ongoing mud. In the next life, you will come back as a water
buffalo.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

p.m. is sitting here asleep on me...she spent the weekend with grandma....as much as i complain....I MISSED MY BABY THE MINUTE SHE WAS OUT THE DOOR....but I did get a bunch of stuff done...finished the kitchen...creamy buttery yellow...would only be better on popcorn....finsihed strippping the upstairs wallpaper, patched and sanded and taped....tomorrow i will prime and have it complete by wednesday, and I stained the built in bookshelf....would have liked to have got more shit done...but what can you do?
I cant believe how I am always pulling at my hair...I hate it hate it hate it. i need to just not pull it...but no matter how many times I tell myself that I wont pull my hair..I do. ugggh.

Unbelievably enough I actually did some painting... in the kitchen no less. I am so bummed that he wants to move...I love this place...oh well, I am not the one that has to drive the hour and then some each way every day... but I am absolutely nonplussed about the anticipation of another mcmansion....in a bloody subdivision..we might as well have stayed in innisfil...this sucks....oh well.
The thing I hate the most about myself is this whole mess of trich..it doesnt matter that its a "legitimate" disease...because I feel so bloody normal..other than my usual craziness....so how the hell can someone as normal as I am, pull out her hair? Its not even that..its the fact that once I even pull one, I am usually gone for at least half an hour...we are talking about the last twenty years of my life.....and how many hours, here and there, have been wasted on this? The things I could have done, the books I could have read..this has impactd my life in so many unseen ways, other than the obvious fact that I am missing a good chunk of my hair..but the art of camoflage..gotta love it. Still, dont look., dont touch, and you wont pull....i hate how the hair seems to call...to beg...to DEMAND that I just. pull. one.
If I thougth it would stop me from pulling, I would shave my entire head bald..but I doubt it would have much effect....I feel like such a loser...I remember reading once that approximately 1% of the world's population suffers from trichotillomania...I wonder how they know that....I know that I sure as hell wouldnt admit to it...point blank liar..thats me...at least I havent been called on it in years....the worst thing is when people would think that I had cancer...the pity would be unbearable..but all I would say was that, no, I didnt have cancer...and not answer the rest of the questions....but its even worse to be thought of as "the girl who pulls her hair out"...uggghhhh....

I feel it surge through me...like a nauseous wave of contempt, rising up through me...from the bottom of my belly....up...up..up...into my fingers...moving them towards my head, or wherever else I am tempted....tingling, aching with the anticipation of release from pressure...sending shivers down my spine, knowing that I will be rendering myself helpless, after I've gone as long as days, months, hours or maybe only minutes, before my calloused fingers go to their devious ways of torturing my souls...making me hate hate hate myself. i AM normal...but why do I do this? because... you hate yourself.

I know the best way to not do it is to keep my hands busy and to also be around others...but I am now doing it in front of the girls...I am so tired of this....running my hand across my head....just to tempt myself...i hate myself

You're Prufrock and Other Observations!

by T.S. Eliot

Though you are very short and often overshadowed, your voice is poetic
and lyrical. Dark and brooding, you see the world as a hopeless effort of people trying
to impress other people. Though you make reference to almost everything, you've really
heard enough about Michelangelo. You measure out your life with coffee spoons.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I spent a good chunk of today taking off rotten little teensy pieces of fucking wallpaper...I hate wallpaper..especially if its been put up on something that looks like a wall, but isnt a wall...the wall between p.m.'s room and the bathroom isnt even a piece of drywall or gyprock..its fucking particle board..wtf? How bloody annoying is that? The walls look like shit, but what can I expect for a house that's this frigging old? I rubbed that wall paper down till the blisters on my fingers got blisters....I hope to finish tomorrow for sure and get some patching done so that I can sand either tomorrow night or friday...I would also like to varathane (I think thats what I want to be doing) these here shelves in the computer room. Then hopefully by the weekend I will be painting the upstairs.
On a more personal note, p.m. has figured out how to open her bedroom door..that means she hasnt taken a bloody nap these last two days......grrrrrrr...I think I'll be taking her for a walk with the baby in the late afternoon..hopefully she'll fall asleep in the stroller, but with my luck...I fucking doubt it. And baby found her toes today..so cute to see her light up at the discovery.

Went to walmart.....how fun was that? Actually, not as bad as usual... she only tried to climb out of the cart half a dozen times, compared to the usual constant....probably helps when I tell her before we leave the house that she has to sit in the cart in the store...and then kept on telling her OVER AND OVER AND OVER on the entire 10 minute drive. Not much of a wallpaper selection, but at least I got some samples....we're going to try painting it first, then if it doesn't work out too well we will paper.
The most productive thing I did yesterday was the fucking taxes...I do not heart government...scumsuckers.....at least we don't owe money. And we will be getting more baby bonus....heaps more than with just the one...here's hoping they backdate it..can't remember if they did that w/ the p.m. or not.
Well, today I will finish removing the upstairs wallpaper...and do some light sanding. But, first I think I'll go down to the post office to mail out the tax returns...so glad that shit's done.

Let's see.....I didn't really get any of my "must do" list accomplished...last week's stuff anyway...just the baby clothes sorted..not the maternity..and they are all in the plastic bag, awaiting my taking them to resale....the crib still sits where it was, and the kitchen is not painted....however, we have taken the majority of the upstairs wall paper down...today for sure my lazy ass will be picking at the remnants of that...I may just go down to walmart to see what they have for wallpaper..we hate wall papering, but it may just be easier and faster in the long run since the walls are in a bit of a shit state.
At least I took them out 3 days out of 5 for a little walk about. Fresh air is a good thing.
Its so helpful of the p.m. to have started ripping off wallpaper throughout the house...now we HAVE to do ALL the rooms...the bathroom and computer room would have been fine, but whatever, she's two...

The latest thing is that, seeing how mr. man hates this house we've just moved into so much, we are now going to have another one built new. Friggggg!!!!! We JUST moved in here..to this beautiful 100 year old red brick 1700 sq.ft. house. Granted, the house does need heaps of work, of which he has started the majority of....the main floor bathroom to laundry room transformation is about 80% complete...the back addition reno is about 60% complete and the kitchen painting and rest of the house painting is well under way....probably would be a little more so if I would only tear my ass away from this idiot box and grab up a brush.
I can appreciate the fact that he would rather have 300k+ in equity (once the new place is paid for) instead of 175k+ for this "dump" - taking into consideration projected growth and the areas....but *still* I looooooooooooove this place...I love the yard, the town, the everything. I do not want to move and he knows exactly how I feel....I do not have the desire to pretend anything....never have been that way inclined, so he knows that every phone call that needs to be made to arrange things, will have to be done by the guy who cant get to a phone during business hours because, "with all his spare time during the day," that's the ONLY fucking way that he will be getting this done...I will help paint and other general renovation stuff...BUT THAT IS ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY IT.

Its not so much him going out, or not calling - even with the shit weather/bad roads/whatever...I truly do want him to be able to go out and let some steam off whenever he feels the need to pound back a few...what my problem is, is this: I know, without a fucking doubt, that he does not grant me that same right. And I absolutely hate the hypocrisy of that sort of shit. That and the fact that I have not been physically able to get loaded in the last 3+ years...sure...I coooouuuullldddd, but as far as I am concerned, that is would constitute bordeline child abuse...
anyway..

Last night the man didn't come home...Lucky us...Its nice to be able to go out after work and drink your face off..Because you are ENTITLED to that sort of bull shit...Because you work for money and are THE FUCKING MAN. Especially since you know that your wife is home with your kids taking care of them, giving them a bath, changing their shitty/pissy diapers, putting them to bed, holding them/comforting them when they are bawling their fucking eyes out. Feeding them...That's breastfeeding people...We have a 3 month old here and a 29 month old, who mainly just wants booby milk, because the baby does, so she should too....This means I cant get shit faced...No more than two..What's the fucking point? This means that they are literally and figuratively sucking the fucking life right outta me...Its draining...It may seem like I don't do a whole lot..That I spend a lot of time with this chair tied to my ass in front of this idiot box...But a lot of that time I have one or more kids on me and those boobs....Where do I get to go by myself? The bathroom? If I sneak off...Better shit quickly, before the p.m. figures out I'm gone and comes in search. I cant wait to be able to shit alone on a regular basis...My needs and wants are simple...I want/need to be alone. But I rarely get to...hmmmm where else do I get to be alone...Grocery shopping...And that's about it...gee, buying food for the man, is the one thing I get to do alone...and rarely at that since 9 times out of ten the girls are with me....fuck this...I quit. He can do the shopping, bill paying, phone calling, food making, laundry and EVERYTHING ELSE. I'm just the "help."

Other than taking them out for a walk to mail that packet and picking up some frozen pizzas, most of this day has been wasted in front of this idiot box.....well, I did make the bed and am currently in the process of doing some laundry...I may even wash some dishes. What a fuckng waste of a day. And to top it off, the man calls at about 5ish to say that they are going for beer and it'll be about an hour later ...bull fucking shit....beer is generally drank where women take their clothes off for money...an hour my fucking ass...it makes me so fucking angry that he has the opportunity to drink..wtf..sure I can have A beer or TWO, but what is the fucking point of that? I dont fault him for wanting to go out and have a few...because most days there's nothing I would want more than to do the same....most days...shit....every day. I have not been drunk since February 2001....and I can probably count every drink I've had since then on my hands...gotta love the injustice of pregnancy and breastfeeding..it so not fair.

$12.01 to mail that gift.....guacamole doritos and caramel aero bar...guacamole doritos are green...how weird is that? but they were better tasting than looking..I gotta lay off the junk...I'm going to look up a recipe for something interesting to cook for tomorrow...I am so bored with this meat/potato/2 veg crap that he insists on...not that he always gets it, but we all have our dreams....well I have a shit pit to deshit and paper to rip...off this idiot box I get.

Well, yesterday I actually went through and stuck in a bag the baby clothes. Didn't go for a walk, or paint or clean this shit pit. I hardly ate much chocolate....sur-fucking-prise....still cant believe it...and since its my most fave thing in this universe...and I normally eat it for breakfast...I am astounded...I havent even had any yet today...I am going to hold off until lunch....Well, I am going to wrap Eva's b.d. gift and walk the girl's down to the post office to mail it, within the hour...plus p/u a few more candy swap things...to be mailed out tomorrow...I am also going to collect all my paper and get it ripped up...I AM going to make some sunday/monday during nap time. I gotta get outta this procrastination rut before it gets any deeper...I will start by taking this nice big coffee shit I know is on its way. And I will not pull out any hair today.

Two plastic bags sit in the fridge....in one there is some defrosting chicken legs....in the other.....mr. man's lunch. I get up...make coffee (of course), get milk out for said coffee....why the fuck is his lunch still here? Put milk back in fridge....where the fuck is the chicken? sucks to be him...at least I phoned him to let him know he has raw chicken for lunch, no fruit or sweets and no sandwich...as I said, sucks to be him.
Last night, well this morning actually, p.m. decides to get up at about 3ish. so, from then until daddy went to work she played, ran back and forth between her room and ours, nursed and just generally annoyed the living shit right outta me.....kids...gotta luv 'em.
On our grand excursion yesterday I noticed another thing about these fucking hicks in this here town...not only do most of them smoke, but a great majority of them like to drive around with their dog in the passenger seat (usually while smoking, them, not the dog). Looking back I would have to say that probably 20 or so cars and/or trucks passed by with canines in them....roughly half of what we went by. I wonder what they would think if they knew about my self walking dog.

baby is asleep on my chest...p.m. is up in her bed.....so good...last night was lovely what with her shitting her bed, and all....actually did one of the things I said I would so far...took them for a walk...dropped the videos and books at the library and went to the grocery store to get p.m. a pizza bun and me a chokkie....20 bucks later (gotta buy the sale shit) we were on our way home....nice blue sky and not as cold as it could be.
man I hate this one handed typing shit. but it is still nice to hold a sleeping babe...soon enough she'll want nothing to do with me.

http://www.pagetutor.com/idiot/idiot.html

Results of "The Test"
Are you a loner?

Your score = 75






What does your score mean?
Some people would call you independent, others might say you're anti-social. You don't go out of your way to be with people, and actually prefer your own company to that of others! This may not pose any problems if you truly enjoy leading an isolated life, but you could be missing out on some great experiences and meaningful relationships. Give yourself a little nudge occasionally to spend some quality time with others, and you'll probably discover you like it more than you expected. Independence can be a real virtue, but humans are social animals. Don't deny that part of yourself that craves human contact!

The strangest thing, beyond having these kids, of course, that I find about being married, is that I cook meat....almost every day. after all those years of being a vegetable (hardee har har) and then "going back" to meat when I joined the reserves, so as not to "make waves," I now cook and consume meat on a far to regular basis...the weirdness is that I do not like the smell, taste or texture of it, yet I eat it...I choke down every fucking bite, knowing how much I hate the shit...and it has nothing to do at all with animal rights and touchy feely hippy shit either..I just dont like the crap....tastes nasty to me...even the thought of cheeses being made with rennet.....mmmm stomach lining....makes me wanna hurl. anyway..tonight I cooked him a "good" 'ol sunday night dinner....pork roast a la fucking crock pot, with parsnips and carrots, a potato casserole, kinda scalloped like and we even have some fresh bread and oatmeal chocolate chip cake with the german frosting....well, whats left of the cake.

well, yesterday was semi-eventful...the man cracked his head open on the corner of the medicine cabinet...it went in about half an inch or so...very gross..had to take him for stitches.....ick. could've been worse I guess...could have been one of the girls....or worse yet....me....how compassionate I am. Gotta luv them home renovations....at least he'll have the laundry room changed over to where the bathroom once was, for the most part, by the end of today...this is almost as much freaking excitement that I can take.

Coffee and chocolate..the breakfast of champions....I really need to be doing better than this...speaking of "needing to do better than this..."
next week I will:

finish painting the bloody kitchen
eat less chocolate
eat more vegetables
sort through the baby/maternity stuff, make any necessary repairs and take it in to the consignment shop, by next saturday
donate the crib thats taking up space
start going for a walk with the girls after breakfast EVERY FUCKING DAY

this year I will:
learn some more, non swear word, spanish
finish at least two cross stitch projects, including framing and hang the damned things
paint all the rooms by september at the latest, preferably june
make soap, candles and paper for christmas presents

by the time K and S are in school I will:
get my az dz liscence (why is this important to me?)
find myself a job/start my own business...I am thinking either baekery or fucking catering
learn to sew and knit...I am thinking maybe to learn to sew this year.

My babies are asleep..and surprisingly enough I have restrained myself from googling up anymore former classmates...although having said that I will probably do that once I hit post, just to spite myself...further sending myself into my depths of despair over this dissatisfaction I am feeling with what is known as my life.. yes, I know how lucky I am to have the crap that I am blessed with...but blah fucking blah...this is soooooo not what I ever in a million years could ever have dreamed up for myself. all I seem to do is my usual waste time/neglect my kids and eat chocolate....I need out of this rut that is my life...I have so many grandiose plans/dreams that I just seem to keep procrastinating over...lazy ass.

P.M. is watching teevee and baby is alseep....of course I have been wasting time on this idiot box, but what else is new? Why is it that I cant be more productive..why do I even feel this desire to be productive....why do I have all these not-so-burning questions? I am reading a VERY GOOD BOOK right now, REBEL DAUGHTER, by Doris Anderson....strange for me since I normally dont care for autobiographical shit...but this woman is simply amazing and absolutley inspiring...that is of course if I were to be inspired.
The thing I find most irritating is that so many of the obstacles that were around in "her time" are still quite prevalent in this time...so much for women's lib....I guess what the main difference is, is that now things are much more covert than they used to be....I definitely agree with her about competent women acting helpless when men are around...and why the hell are men still viewed as "more important/worthy/whatever" It baffles me endlessly...people are people are people period. best person for the job end of fucking story.

You are the Grinch!


Which Dr. Seuss Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well the highlight of my day yesterday was when the pet monster came in all covered in non-washable blue magic marker looking as proud as can be....yes, she had coloured all over herself AND the windows AND the walls AND the trim AND the couch AND the curtain AND the carpet...what was I in the middle of? oh, just googling up some of my former high school class mates...how fucking depressing...business owners, college professors, phd, ma, ba....enough to make me cry...the list goes on and on of their bloody accolades.....jealous? hell ya!!!!but more importantly...I am so fucking proud of them!!!! And now today the googling continued...couldnt find much..but then I started to look up "old army buddies" (not being all that old) *sigh* I am so jealous of the "I been everywhere man's" ..grumble grumble grumble where have I gone? what have I done? Nada Nothing Zip
I know that being a mother is the "most important job in the world" BUT fucking hell!!!! I am too bloody immature (yes I am) at 30 for this shit...I wanted to live the adventure blah blah blah.....but at least my kids are cute, right?

This is too funny, when Shelley was here we were looking at pictures and crap like that...we also took a peek at my school work through the years... the funniest was seeing this english project from grade 12 with the comments to the effect of how I should keep writing and my teacher would really like to see where I end up in 10 years....HAAAAAAAAA!!!! well, its been about 14 years, I dropped out of high school about 4 months after that since I had to feed myself and pay my rent..I didnt finish high school until I was 22, didnt go to post secondary until I was 25, and then it was "only" culinary management, nothing academic, got pregnant before graduation, thus wasting my "education" in a field I already had 10 years work experience and have been a SAHM ever since and have added another baby to the mix. I wonder what he would think about the "waste"? Well, its not exactly a waste since I have these wonderful little beings, but it is pretty much a waste of my brain cells...I can feel them dying a little more each and every day...oh well, woe is me.
What would I have done differently? Probably nothing since the way I got here is how I got my children and I doubt that any other way would have given me these exact ones that I simply love and adore this bloody much...so who cares? all is irrelevant in my eyes and I need to stop whatiffing....

I cant believe that tomorrow is "baby" sister's 25th birthday...I also cant believe I remember more of her early life than mom...what a shame and what a waste of the 80s.....I also cant believe that Gord is going to be 35 this year.....I know I am starting to become relatively "old" but I still feel like I am about 16 inside. except that my joints are starting to hurt more and more.