Today was such a shit day..sick kids....sorta sick me...I am far to rough at times with my girlie....i hate how I yell at her, shouting so loud as to bring her precious little face to tears...so what if I'm tired, so what if I'm cranky, she is a baby and I dont have the right to treat her this way. I make myself sick with this shit. the circle just wont be broken, at least not today, but it better bloody well weaken, because I cant do to her what was done to me. and my mother was thegood one in comparison to her mother
I know its not all fun and good times. I am realistic that way, but I had better find a more appropriate way to deal with my own shit instead of taking it out on my sweet girl. This is why I never wanted kids..its too hard to be good all -any- of the time. I dont deserve my sweet girls...I am so afraid that I am going to ruin them...the trust they have in me the happiness in their eyes...and I yell at her...I am such a shit.
I do not want them to grow into something that even remotely resembles me..I am so afraid that they might...I am unbalanced, crazy and I pull my fucking hair out...what if it happens to them too?
I should just type out all my awfullness and keep it as far away from them as possible. Every action has a reaction and I am the adult whether I like it or not. I am shaping their tomorrows by how badly I fuck up today.