Well, the computer's fixed.....the man got it to go....see...he is good for something...and still pretty cute too...even if he is almost 35.....can't believe its been almost 10 years...already...where did the time go? It seems like only last week when I was still engaged to dickwad and flirting with the man.....meaning he was trying like hell to get with me in his introverted nonchalant way.....ah.....young lust, how I miss thee.

so....fucked up the computer at home so here I am...I need my 'puter. *whine*

what is so very wrong with me? why am I so mean to a two year old? what good does it actually do to yell at her so loudly that she cries? and quadruple goes for smacking her bum.....why do something so awful when it doesn't even work.....all its doing is making me hate myself even more...is THAT possible? and it seems like all I do is give her bad attention...better than no attention, I guess.
yes, I definitely hate myself. alot more than usual.

How could a year possibly pass without me breaking a toe, or two?Don't know, its never happened yet......that's right, yesterday, as if to proove that my feet are indeed too big, I walked into the bedroom doorframe, thusly busting said toe...the little one....how the hell somethng so little could hurt so much? and be so absolutely necessary? is beyond me... and the best part isgoing up and down stairs with child in arms. oh woe is me...I suck.

So the thing now is that I am going to try my absolute hardest to be the very best mommy ever to these girls....I am just going to repress all the b.s. from the beginning of time til now and do this motherhood thing right....whatever that means. Just because I am fucked doesnt mean they have to be. How to deal with a two y.o. without losing it is something I have to definitely work on. but enough about me....he's gone to watch the hockey game tonight....good for him...where do I get to go? what do I get to do? I get to buy fucking groceries for him...I'm so lucky.....what would I do without him? hmmmm, have a life?

The wallpaper is still on the walls, the house is still a mess, i still pull me hair out, the p.m. still does whatever the hell she wants, and i still am bitchier than ever.

funny story - monday credit card company called. I've been "preauthorized" for a personal, unsecured l.o.c. for up to 7k...wtf? i dont work for money....this is slavery, but the hours are worse...so i told her i dont work - which apparently means unemployed - so it would "be perfect for times like these to have available funds" - no thanks, go sell crazy somewhere else...but I should have said "sounds great, send me a cheque!"

Well, the latest excitment in my life is still the renovation of the house I love that he hates that he insists we sell to have the new one built, that I am sure I will hate.....the saga continues....300 dollars later and we still need more shit to build that back room....that does not include the carpet and the flooring, of which we are not sure if we will do peel and stick or cushioned....if we were staying we would do ceramic, but we are not, so I am not about to spend that kind of money.
I still haven't finished peeling fucking wallpaper...I NEED A STEAMER....NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate wallpaper.
I am definitely going to make lasagna today, with my handy dandy pasta roller. I am also trying to learn to knit...again...I suck so badly at it...and the whole casting on process almost had me in tears. I suck.