Again. I am holding her...put her down and she cries...but at least she is sleeping...some days all it seems like I do is change shitty diapers, nurse, try to convince the two year old of XYZ, and waste time on this idiot box. How did I get so far away from where I used to be, headed towards who I was "supposed" to become? For all that I bitch, I do love my little monsters. I can barely imagine any other life for me now that I have them... I know what I wanted, before. But that is all past and beyond wanting them to grow up safe and happy, I have no freaking idea what I want for me....I sometimes think that what I once wanted is what I will/should still want, but I also think it will be too late for that, I will never be able to devote the time or energy to what once was my true desire...so where to go from here? How the hell should I know...I just know that I dont want my girls growing up thinking that I resent them or that I think I am less of a person for not having followed my dreams...what goals? aspirations? right now I can honestly say that my major aspiration is to brush my teeth everyday and bathe...and if I am really lucky, go to the can by MYSELF. some days all I want is to be completely alone...how unfair for my babies that I feel this way...they need me so much and I want to relinquish my responsibility...at least to get some sleep..alone....maybe thats what I want..to be alone.

The two year old is sitting there watching a tape (I think we are the only people I know that still dont do the dvd thing...yes, we are still stuck in the stone ages...too bad its not the stoner ages...and we dont have cell phones..how we figured out this computer in-ter-net- thing-a-ma-jig is beyond me) and the baby is SLEEPING...I doubt either one will last long enough for me to get out of the craziness for a second or two....From what I gather my baby is colicky....crying for no reason....no reason according to whom? I think the reason is that she hates me, alot, especially if I dont want to hold her...aLL THE TIME...i cant wait until she wakes up and realizes that I am not holding her...should be fun. How I am able to waste so much time surfing and doing this nonsense, instead of "taking care" of my kids is beyond me...I'm sure it will catch up to me sooner rather than later. Better go make sure the two year old isnt burning the house down or something to that effect.

So here I am trying out this thing and screwing it up in my technically challenged way...what else could I really expect? If i have no great expectations of myself, then i wont be too disappointed when I do screw up will i? And if I do succeed, then its a good day in mommyland.... speaking of mommyland...who the hell would have ever thought that I would ever have kids...and not just one, but TWO....not too many people, thats for sure. Sometimes I think I am just beginning to get the hang of this parenthood thing...but that thought is usually only a fleeting one.. very fleeting. I mean, what the hell was I thinking....just because HE wanted kids, didnt exactly mean that I had to go along with him on it, now did I? the price you pay for "love"...what a crock of shit... I'm the one that had to be pregnant....I'm the one that gave birth...without drugs....i'm the one thats breastfeeding...I'm the one that has to look after it..and not just one...two of the little buggers. No wonder he wanted kids...I'm the one that does the bulk of the UNPAID work....but they can be pretty cute when they want to be. But most days I can honestly understand why some women just leave their kids...not that I would...but I can totally empathize with their situations. Its way harder than I ever thought if would be...and no one tells you that. And heaven forbid you actually SAY that you dont care for being a mother...people just dont get it and I just cant say it..because I dont care to hear their unwanted judgements for something I am simply expressing...not soliciting advice or ANYTHINg...usually I am just answering one of THEIR frigging questions. Man, I hate people..most of the time.

Oh look, I've already buggered it up....that's how it goes with most things. should I just blame it on the crying baby...no, I most likely would have screwed up anyway.