Again. I am holding her...put her down and she cries...but at least she is sleeping...some days all it seems like I do is change shitty diapers, nurse, try to convince the two year old of XYZ, and waste time on this idiot box. How did I get so far away from where I used to be, headed towards who I was "supposed" to become? For all that I bitch, I do love my little monsters. I can barely imagine any other life for me now that I have them... I know what I wanted, before. But that is all past and beyond wanting them to grow up safe and happy, I have no freaking idea what I want for me....I sometimes think that what I once wanted is what I will/should still want, but I also think it will be too late for that, I will never be able to devote the time or energy to what once was my true desire...so where to go from here? How the hell should I know...I just know that I dont want my girls growing up thinking that I resent them or that I think I am less of a person for not having followed my dreams...what goals? aspirations? right now I can honestly say that my major aspiration is to brush my teeth everyday and bathe...and if I am really lucky, go to the can by MYSELF. some days all I want is to be completely alone...how unfair for my babies that I feel this way...they need me so much and I want to relinquish my responsibility...at least to get some sleep..alone....maybe thats what I want..to be alone.