yesterday Shelley came up to visit....I still cant believe we've found eacg other again after 17 years and so many kilometers..and the funny part is that twice we were in the same area at the same time....too bizarre. I am so happy she is back in my life....I wonder how differently our lives would have been had we never lost contact...oh well, this is now and I am so happy...I know how needy and loserlike it sounds, but I feel more "whole" again, like whats been missing is found.....I'm such a geek.

Another day, another diaper...piss and shit everywhere...gotta luv the little buggers...fruits of thy loins, fruit of thy labour...so cute...and cuddly...especially when they are asleep. do I have time to ramble right now? no...I need to go wash my nasty hair...so greasy..and I keep touching it...which means that the more I touch, the more likely I am to pull it out...better get away from this idiot box and go wash what hair I have left in my head. The feeling tha surges through me when I get that urge is so bloody unbearable at times....no kidding...if it wasnt then I wouldnt...ugghh I hate being this way..if god exists and we are made in his image (assuming he is a guy, of course), what the fuck was he thinking when he made me this way? How is my "free will" so fucked up? Why cant I control my urges to pull my fucking hair out? i have to go wash my hair before my kids wake up and there isnt enough room in the bath tub.

So I am sitting here trying to justify my waste of time to myself instead of sleeping, or reading a real live book, not just words on a screen, or actually doing something, like paint the kitchen that the man probably wont get around to or maybe work on some crafts...have all the crap to get those candles done or maybe do some cross stitch, but no, here I am yawning away and telling myself that this is just my time to do whatever....I have so much crap that seems more interesting/important than this, yet here I am....so, what is my wasted thought for today...today I got the taste in my mouth of grade school...of the nasty ass bubble gum flavoured flouride that they used to make us swill in grade five or six....so disgusting....why would I have a remembrance of something like that? And the crazy dream I had last night...another one of those sex dreams...everyone but me is getting some...well lots actually...and in technicolour....why the hell would I dream something like that?

So I am going for bad mother of the year...again. I keep telling myself that I won't sit my ass in front of this thing while my pet monster is awake and that I will DO STUFF with her, but I don't want to watch stupid cartoons, or bake constantly, or let her paint on herself, since that is immensely more fun than painting on paper, can't bring myself to take them both outside - too cold and too hard to chase the two year old whilst holding the babe...I am sooooooooo full of bloody excuses it makes me sick. On top of that, I cant get my OCD under control - I know I should seek professional help, but can't/won't...I have been so under the influence of trich now for 19 years...it kills me to say that...I know how to help myself, but it isnt working....I feel so bloody normal. Its not like washing my hands over and over and over or checking if the stove is off and the doors locked. I am normal, but this hair pulling. I know how to divert myself, I know if I pull "just one" that it turns into just as many as I let myself get away with, I know its a disease, i know blah, blah, blah........aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.....so frustrating....and what would a shrink tell me? not to? no fucking kidding. if i couldnt i wouldnt. why the hell would i choose something like this...that would be insane..the motto is, dont look dont touch, and you wont pull....I wonder if the man knows...we've never discussed it, its never been brought up...what does he think? does he wonder why my hairstyle ALWAYS been the same....the ponytail...or why I've never had my hair down in front of him? I wonder what he knows/suspects....this weakness makes me despise myself so much at times, regardless of whether or not I can control it, because it truly does control me.

So I am up early enough, not by my own choice of course, to watch the news.They tell of this 31 yearld old man who molested his girlfriend's 7 year old daughter, and as they are telling me that he is a convicted pedophile, I am thinking what the hell is wrong with our sex offender registry? So I decide to come do a search and see what I can find out about the registry. http://www.mpss.jus.gov.on.ca/english/police_serv/sor/sor.html
It makes me sick that it seems to do more to protect the predator than the potential victims. I don't know what bothers me more...the fact that its not available to the public and we are to be notified according to police discretion if someone is likely to reoffend...give me a fucking break. They are on the list for a reason, last I heard, pedophiles generally don't rehabilitate all that well, they just keep doing it until they are either dead or in jail. Or maybe the part about if their senetence was for less than 10 yrs thats the length they have to be registered for. I also dont care for the fact that if they dont register or dont comply with the rules that its $25 000 FINE - a fucking fine!!!!! - and/or 2 years less a day. I say that if they aren't playing along with the terms, then they are most likely not doing so because they are hurting children. I could go on and on, but I am at the point where my mutterings will start to make less and less sense and have a lot more expletives.......the good thing is that we at least have some way, no matter how many potential problems with it, of keeping track of these awful fuckers.

So I havent a frigging clue as to how I bugger things up so much, in all areas of my life....frig, I cant even do a blog right....oh well, such is life....so my new thing is that i wont be wasting the daylight hours on this thing and will be henceforth (nice b.s. word) doing more shit with my pet monster and the little one who just lies there..gotta love babies...other than the eat-sleep-shit cycle, they dont do much other than CRY...still gotta love 'em, even when they stink.

Where does the time go? How can I seem to waste so much of it? And all I do is just think shit up in my pea brain and do nothing constructive, especially sitting in front of this time waster, which is known as the fucking computer. My brain has steadily been turning to mush over the last decade..since the end of required thinking, when all extra, non-work-related thoughts were purely optional....now all I think about is how to "steal" time for myself, how I can occupy the two year old (without actually having to put much effort into it or actually take her anywhere-this will prob last until the "terrible twos" are over with - as-fucking-if!), what can I actually do from start to finish before little baby wakes up and wants me..usually nothing - little baby is lying on her belly, quite content, across my knees...when she stirs, I just move my legs - side to side- until my little angel goes back to sleep...not ideal, but at least she's quiet and I can have two hands on the bloody keyboard..not that that means much in my incompetence.
so, what is the wasted thought de jour? Well, lately I've been annoyed in a round about way by the mother of my husband..as far as mother in laws go, she's the best....BUT still...if I have to hear one more time about how she was in labour for 42 fucking hours....i will scream...if I have to hear about how much energy she had when they were little I will tear my eyeballs from their sockets with a rusty spoon...and being as overly analytical about the stupidest things that I am, of course, I wonder why she tells me things like that....is it because she thinks I should be doing more? is it because she is so tired now....having used up all her energy when they were young? is it because I dont keep the house clean, cook meat, potatoes and TWO fucking vegetables for his dinner everyday, keep the fucking house spotless AND work fulltime just to piss my hard earned dough away on child care for some incompetent fuck who may or may not be abusing my children? or maybe I am just thinking too much about nothing...as is my way....and I really dont care how she used to rearrange the furniture ALL the bloody time when she was home when the boys were small...and if I hear one more time about "what you want to do is..." I will absolutely slit my throat with a very dull and dirty butter knife, one that was preferably used for peanut butter and didnt come all that clean in the dishwasher.
so, now, here is a list of things that she doesnt seem to think I should like (but do, of course, because I am me and not her)
hand washing dishes
cloth diapers
old towels
complicated recipes and baking
sweeping the floor-not that I am neurotic about it
sitting around doing nothing
I am sure there are many many more to add to that list but I'll leave those for another day. One last thing about her that drives me right fucking batty is when she runs around picking up after her husband so it looks like she's doing something (I assume thats why she does it - I could be wrong) FUCK he's not incompetent, let him do it...no wonder her bloody son thinks I should pick up after him...even more so because I work for free, home all day every fucking day..I only pick shit up if its in my way or I am doing laundry...I am mother, not martyr, wife, not slave..depending of course with whom you speak.

Little baby...little baby...oh...little baby.....*smile*....pretty little baby....so pretty...is that a smile for mommy?
My pretty little baby just puked like hell on me....the joy..and not just a little bit of vomit, either...a whole huge ass amount..good thing its time for bed anyway...totalled my shirt. gotta luv it. I cant believe that baby girl's 8 weeks and one whole day already...seems like she's been here forever, but just got here at the same time...and the two year old...seems so big in comparison, but when I was walking down the road towards her and her dad, she looked so teeny in that big blue snowsuit, could hardly believe that someone as ltiny as that could run so bloody fast. I need to be more gentle with that girl of mine...sometimes I treat her so gruffly..I need to be on the constant reminder that she is still a little baby herself and treat her like a stranger - with all the kindness and generosity we usually reserve for those we've never met and may never see again...instead of shouting and shoving her out of "the way"...she will only ever be this little this once and I wont get even a second back thats passed. i need to just get over my feelings of wasted life - they never asked to be born, and just because I never wanted to be a mother shouldnt have anything to do with them. cherish cherish cherish. thats all there is to it...i need to take care of me first though so i can take good care of them..so goodnight and get some rest, frigging nut case.

My latest quest in the search of things to do in my vast quantities of not-so-spare time is to make candles and, if the kids are ever gone to sleep long enough, soap...not melt and pour, but real live, use-the-lye-yourself, if I can find lye - of course -soap...I should probably also wait until the little monsters are asleep to do the candles....and maybe actually research it a bit first, might help to know what I am doing. or not.
http://candleandsoap.about.com/cs/candlemaking1/index_2.htm