Crying babies drive me nuts.....absolutely frigging nuts.....right around the bend. Always wanting and needing me....pulling at me, demanding my attention. Greedy, needy stinky little babies...I love you anyway, even though I am selfish and you make me crazier than crazy.

width="238" height="196" alt="Sophia Petrillo" border="1">
target="_blank">Which Golden Girl Are You?

how is it that I can waste so much time on this bloody thing, but not take enough time to actually type out my lousy thoughts and feelings? Its so sad that I spend this much time reading all these crafty websites, but hardly any time actually crafting...i should be ashamed of myself. very very ashamed
I still can't believe how I, married woman and all, happily married, can still lust over some man...is it odd that no matter how much i love my husband, I still love to undress this one with my eyes and imagination...and his sense of humor must be the sexiest thing of all....I am awful..what can I say. When we left their house and I went to say good bye, kiss kiss and all that, had no one else been around I am quite positive that I would have let him stick his tongue down my throat...as his drunken ass was trying to do.
Secret lusting...you kill me...dirty girl.

Well, I actually got some rest yesterday....manly watched the kidlets (this means he sat his ass on the computer the whole freaking day, but whatever) and I slept....very nice...except for them screaming,etc.
we also went to the zoo on Saturday....lots of fun...good thing we had the pass....p.m. had an amazing time...she got to run like the maniac that she is and go to the petting zoo, sandbox and water park for the littles....it was great to see her having so much fun...must take her places more often where she can play and let her energy flow.

heh heh...so its just me...surprise!!!

wtf!!! I type out this long ass rant-o-rama driven angst filled drivel only to have it disappear..whatever....will type something similar at another time....about my childhood issues and how I apologised to former roomie that I googled. fucking computer

well...I dont know what I expect, or why I let shit bother me about them....after being on this planet for 30 years, one would think I could get a grip....but apparently not. why does it bother me so much that I feel abandoned by my father...still...after all these years...replaced by his "new" family..those girls don't have a clue what it was like for us, not that they should have to, but if it weren't for mom leaving him, they wouldnt bloody well be here. There is no way, short of him beating me or something worse, would I put my girls through the life of poverty that we endured...no frigging way. Even though there were others out there that had it worse than us, I don't want my kids to ever have to deal with the shit I did..not enough money for food, clothes, activities, whatever...bullshit. How unhappy does one have to be to make their kids go without? I know that I will always do whatever's in my power to make my marriage work...no matter how miserable i am...they do not deserve to be put at risk....
on to more interesting things...I googled former roomie....and apologised for telling the truth about her former habits, many, many years ago....what was I looking for? Nothing really, just wanted her to know I was sorry for what I said and the ramifications of my actions....no hidden agenda...unlike the government....that was the worst thing I ever did...how ironic that it was to tell the truth...surprisingly she emailed back...life is funny, its not like we're looking to reconcile, but it almost feels like something else...we shall see.

So....the visit is going alright..they've gone off to the wedding tonight...I still have many unresolved childhood issues that need serious dealing with. Manly has gone down to Streetsvlle for beer drinking and puking to follow....again I am home to deal with crying kids, hair pulling and just general insanity. I really should be writing this out in my real private journal, since I am always on guard, wondering what people might think about what I type...i know, just change the frigging settings and make this one private...but I am too freaking lazy...

so beware

I feel so insane all the time, or at least a great portion of the time. Like my life has gotten away from me and I have no idea how to reclaim it....I feel like I'm a bad actress in an even worse movie...the unloved misfit who never fits into society...well thats pretty much how it really is, isnt it? Nutso me, all alone, usually loving it.
what the main problem is, beyond the trich, is that I obsess about everything...I know I should get help, but I am too afraid that they will want to medicate me and make me even more unreasonable than I already am. But I am so sick of this self hatred that I endure and perpetuate that I really have no other alternative. Some might suggest that I actively seek out new friendships, but that thought simply turns my fucking stomach.

my mother
why do I hate her
what is it about her I know not everything is her fault how am I fucking up my daughters' lives in comparison will I ever become a good enough mother or even a good mother instead of this pathetic attempt that I so blatantly portray....I feel badly for my mother that she has to attach herslef to any willing man for how ever long he wants to keep her around...but what bothers me is her insecurity as a valuable human being...it seems as though her inherent value comes from "belonging" to him almost..fucking drives me batty

So daddyo patio and familia are coming to town for a wedding and visit...can't believe kaity baby will be 6 months old and they are the first in the fam to see her irl...how exciting. and of course manly man is all ashamed of our 100 y.o. house...perfectionism be gone...I damn you to hell...just live life and laugh about the fuck ups...thats all one can do.

back to me and my self hate.....self, how I loathe thee....you are mean to your child, you make her cry, ignore her in favour of the computer and spank her ass on occassion to make it seem like you are doing something even when you know flat out that it does not work. What do I expect out of life? Where am I going and how badly am I scarring the kidlets along the way...peace and love and most likely as badly if not worse than my parents scarred me...this fact alone makes me shudder....I must try harder, since I am conscious of what I am doing....no excuses...just because I didnt want kids doesnt change the fact that I have them...they didnt ask to be born any more than I did...I still hate myself more than anyone ever will.