I think my new thing should be that I only use the computer on every other day...well, mornings, really.  I know by now that if  I ostensibly sit down to "check my email" that I will do everything but that and four hours later I'll be wondering why Shanny is all bent out of shape and misbehaving.....so starting tomorrow (or as soon as I can pry my cold dead fingers from these keys) it'll be an every other day thing.

I need to create myself a new reality in order to get the fuck over my issues with this thing known as stay-at-home-motherhood, not martyrhood.  Basically what I need, is a life. because. I. suck.ass.

so its a beautiful day out and here I am inside sitting in front of the fucking computer. again. why? because I suck, is why.  what was I supposed to be doing? the usual....grocery shopping, mailing shit at the post office, spending money at the evil empire which is known as wal-mart hell.
I will probably go later....or not...I am finding that the older I get the more I resent this thing called shopping...especially grocery shopping out of necessity....I am all for shopping for food for sport, but as all things domestically inclined and related to motherhood....I hate them.  Well, I think its more that I hate the fact that all the drudergy falls to me.  How fucking simple it is to go to work and earn a living and come home to a poorly maintained house, by a bitter housewife (that's me!!!)  I wish I was one of those girls who's goal in life was to please her man and scrub the fucking floors cheerily.  I think that would make things better for me...but then again, I also wish I had a clue as to how html shit works and how to change the oil on my redneck mobile.

*          *              *
what to do?
I need :
to gain patience, especially with the p.m.
clean my house...not just tidy the fucking thing, but actually deep down nitty gritty clean
purge said house of all crap
do more yoga
learn to sail
stop swearing in front of the kiddies....
learn to speak another language....I am thinking to carry on with spanish
decide what I wanna be when I grow up...these days its leaning towards truck driver....since that would keep me away from direct contact with people.

today I will:
go to the post office
maybe groceries
vaccuum
wash the floors....they are filthy and stinky little baby is crawling now
dust....probably not as I feel it is a highly over rated activity
not yell or swear at the p.m.....I will also not be rough with her...I will pretend that I am a good mother and speak sweetly and softly to her...I will treat her like a stranger, who we tend to treat better than those we supposedly hold near and dear to us. I will also put her for a nap...but thats more for me, heh heh heh.

So the stinky, no longer toothless little baby, who sits here bouncing on my knee while her sister bounces and dances to a little D.Y., climbed up the step from the backroom to the kitchen last night as I sat at the table doing a little ugly decoupaging....unfreakingbelievable. I am amazed that this little baby of mine got up that eight inch step, in spite of the pet monster trying to push her back down repeatedly.

Now they are both sitting on the floor playing "tea party" - - well p.m. has her tea tray with non-tea shit on it and the baby is sitting there and p.m. keeps saying "tea potty" over and over, so that must be what they are doing....whether baby knows it or not is irrelevant.

I need some new music....I cannot fathom how I, of all people, have come to live in such a quiet house...the girl who used to fall asleep to loud music as a girl, teen, twenty-something....now doesn't watch so much tv, rarely has the cds going or even the radio blasting at a dull roar...I miss my music.   Maybe that's why I'mso frigging miserable....it must be...why else would I be so fucking cranky constantly?

congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
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so its been awhile since my ass sat here and typed aimlessly in this thing known as blogger....what's new? sunday stinky little baby sat herself up....from the crawling position.....for the first time...how terribly excited we all were....and now, as of yesterday, she has a bottom tooth that has poked itself out to bite me....I still think she has the best leopard crawl ever.  She should do a training video for the army.

anyhow....the pet monster is still her monstery little self...how I would love to beat her...unfortunately it would probably just make her even worse...I think the worst years are definitely 2-20...or whenever the little buggers move out....good thing she's cute...but why in the hell does she feel the need to jump off of everything....she now calls me "mama" instead of "mommy" I think it sounds way cute and also like it when she calls me "mom"  She also rolled her eyes at me for the first time yesterday when I was talking to her...how sweet....I'm sure I'll change my mind soon enough on that one....I am off now to go get a grip and dinner started.  I still find motherhood highly overrated for me...maybe one day my maternal instinct will kick in.

and as usual, we must end the day's blogging with a teensy bit of self bashing....BECAUSE I FUCKING SUCK AS A MOTHER/PERSON/WIFE.  i hate me.

So...I turn my fucking back for two fucking seconds and my fucking child fucks up the computer somehow and now the fucking mouse doesn't work.....I am beyond fucking pissed. This is such a fucking piece of shit.....there is nothing that won't be trashed by that fucking kid.....one million fucking toys and she has to fuck with the fucking computer....now the fucking baby is crying like the little baby she is.....poor poor pitiful me...I hate my fucking life. I hate myself....it seems like everything is always my fucking fault. I suck.