So daddyo patio and familia are coming to town for a wedding and visit...can't believe kaity baby will be 6 months old and they are the first in the fam to see her irl...how exciting. and of course manly man is all ashamed of our 100 y.o. house...perfectionism be gone...I damn you to hell...just live life and laugh about the fuck ups...thats all one can do.

back to me and my self hate.....self, how I loathe thee....you are mean to your child, you make her cry, ignore her in favour of the computer and spank her ass on occassion to make it seem like you are doing something even when you know flat out that it does not work. What do I expect out of life? Where am I going and how badly am I scarring the kidlets along the way...peace and love and most likely as badly if not worse than my parents scarred me...this fact alone makes me shudder....I must try harder, since I am conscious of what I am doing....no excuses...just because I didnt want kids doesnt change the fact that I have them...they didnt ask to be born any more than I did...I still hate myself more than anyone ever will.