So....the visit is going alright..they've gone off to the wedding tonight...I still have many unresolved childhood issues that need serious dealing with. Manly has gone down to Streetsvlle for beer drinking and puking to follow....again I am home to deal with crying kids, hair pulling and just general insanity. I really should be writing this out in my real private journal, since I am always on guard, wondering what people might think about what I type...i know, just change the frigging settings and make this one private...but I am too freaking lazy...

so beware

I feel so insane all the time, or at least a great portion of the time. Like my life has gotten away from me and I have no idea how to reclaim it....I feel like I'm a bad actress in an even worse movie...the unloved misfit who never fits into society...well thats pretty much how it really is, isnt it? Nutso me, all alone, usually loving it.
what the main problem is, beyond the trich, is that I obsess about everything...I know I should get help, but I am too afraid that they will want to medicate me and make me even more unreasonable than I already am. But I am so sick of this self hatred that I endure and perpetuate that I really have no other alternative. Some might suggest that I actively seek out new friendships, but that thought simply turns my fucking stomach.

my mother
why do I hate her
what is it about her I know not everything is her fault how am I fucking up my daughters' lives in comparison will I ever become a good enough mother or even a good mother instead of this pathetic attempt that I so blatantly portray....I feel badly for my mother that she has to attach herslef to any willing man for how ever long he wants to keep her around...but what bothers me is her insecurity as a valuable human being...it seems as though her inherent value comes from "belonging" to him almost..fucking drives me batty