So I am going for bad mother of the year...again. I keep telling myself that I won't sit my ass in front of this thing while my pet monster is awake and that I will DO STUFF with her, but I don't want to watch stupid cartoons, or bake constantly, or let her paint on herself, since that is immensely more fun than painting on paper, can't bring myself to take them both outside - too cold and too hard to chase the two year old whilst holding the babe...I am sooooooooo full of bloody excuses it makes me sick. On top of that, I cant get my OCD under control - I know I should seek professional help, but can't/won't...I have been so under the influence of trich now for 19 years...it kills me to say that...I know how to help myself, but it isnt working....I feel so bloody normal. Its not like washing my hands over and over and over or checking if the stove is off and the doors locked. I am normal, but this hair pulling. I know how to divert myself, I know if I pull "just one" that it turns into just as many as I let myself get away with, I know its a disease, i know blah, blah, blah........aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.....so frustrating....and what would a shrink tell me? not to? no fucking kidding. if i couldnt i wouldnt. why the hell would i choose something like this...that would be insane..the motto is, dont look dont touch, and you wont pull....I wonder if the man knows...we've never discussed it, its never been brought up...what does he think? does he wonder why my hairstyle ALWAYS been the same....the ponytail...or why I've never had my hair down in front of him? I wonder what he knows/suspects....this weakness makes me despise myself so much at times, regardless of whether or not I can control it, because it truly does control me.